Saturday, November 13, 2010

I had a dream last night....A nightmare really. I was in a house, not mine. It was surrounded with clutter. Much worse than mine could ever be. I felt like I was drowning.

I thought of you at that moment....And I wanted to talk to you immediately when I woke up....

But I could not, for you have eradicated me, annihilated me...Made me vanish from your life..Burnt my memory. Whispered my name to the wind to carry a message to me...It said, "I love you, I love you, I love you....But it hurts too much to hold on.."

I received the message in a dream.

I opened my eyes, when I awoke, I stared into your eyes looming above me...And I wanted to die at that moment..Sorrow hit me in waves,.

I tell myself I am over you. Tell my friends I am over you. I tell my heart to stop loving you.

Rue @ 2010

Thursday, November 11, 2010

My Plan is This

1. Find work

2. Find a way to keep my power on

3. Find a way to get food

4. Find a way to keep the rest of my utilities on

5 Work on getting all my writing together

6. Get the grant I need to self- publish

7. To be independent

8. Go back to church, I need it

9. Try as hard as I can to be a better person

Basic plan

Rue @2010

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

As long as we are alive we have hope.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Chronicles of Rue

I went to the food bank yesterday. I was humbled. The only thing they were giving away was bread. I felt grateful for that. The area in which I live is poverty stricken. We are only second to the Appalachians in Tennessee.

Up until May of this year I was doing ok. I still had a bit of money left in the bank. But after my daughter's illness and her medicine. And other personal things. My money was gone, but I still had my job. Now it has been 3 weeks since I have worked.

I have the power on until the end of the month, and the phones. It is a possibility that I may be writing these posts from the library, it has free WiFi.

I am not asking for money. I am writing this because I know there are millions out there who are suffering just like I am.

I am trying to figure it out. I am trying to find a way to get another job. I look every single day.

But this is what I have found out about having no job or money.

That every single meal is a religious experience...

That I will not eat so I can save food for my daughter. And I feel good about it. Sacrifice is good when you do it for another.

I started hanging clothes out on the line months ago to save on our power bill. And I like doing it. I enjoy the way they smell. I like walking places instead of always using the car. The car which I may lose if the payments aren't made.

I will be searching for ways to help all of you out there as well as me. I am determined to do it.

Till next time. Rue

Thursday, November 4, 2010

If you read my words love, know, in your heart, that they were not meant to kill you

They were meant to wound you, so you can heal

You told me once that you wanted to be a better man

To touch the Hand of God

And, love, no one can cut you.....but me, to the depth that you need

You told me things about myself that cut me wide open

Things I needed to hear, that no one else ever dared to say

I saw myself, for once, for who I really was, through your eyes

The bad, beautiful, ugly, broken, tragic, tender, loving, messy, insecure girl who needed a Father Figure/Lover

A girl who cried in your arms, because it was the first time I was ever shown true tenderness

In that moment, I would have died for you. I was your moth, and you love, were the heat

I felt the universe course through my heart, right then, and you were the best thing in it

You made me a room of my own....A room where I could be free for a little while...

No one ever did that....for me

You let me tell you secrets I had never told

You hurt me

You healed me

You gave me the courage to be a woman, not just a child

But she is still there...the child

Love, take my words and let them comfort you in you hour of need

For I bear you no malice...

I only bear an unquenchable love for you....

And love does no harm

Rue @ 2010

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Father of mine, wait, shouldn't I just call you Dad?

I did not want to be your son

I was supposed to be your daughter

But, really, I was the bastard child of a nameless man....Which you never let me forget Dad

I did not want to hunt

When you made me shoot that gun

When you made me shoot a rabbit or a deer, my soul was never the same

I did not want to see their innards, which held their secret blood

White washed bones and sawed off knees, is how I stood before you that day. My pale hands covered in blood, my shirt splattered with it

You made me aware that it is a man's world Dad, and that it always would be

Then I learned the art of being numb

When I came home from school one day and you, smiling, butchered my rabbit as I stood in the street

You had waited so I could see

Her screams sonded like that of a thousand babies in my ears

I fell to my knees with my head to the ground, looking sideways, I could see her blood flow down the grass like a small river

And I cried that I could not protect her from the madman you were

I learned, Dad, not to be like you

Rue @ 2010

Monday, November 1, 2010

I want to lay in a field shorn of all its burdens

In my old, pale blue jeans, with my torn black shirt

I want to lay with my arms stretched to the earth

As I lay on the dust of all dead men

My darkened eyes taking in the greatness of a vast, immense sky

A sky that has seen every thing that all dead men have done

Loved, fought, killed, raped, cared, ached

My hands look like mock wings stretched out before it, with my wrists bent and my palms kiss the sky

Rue @2010