Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The room mate next to Sis is a retired doctor. She has a broken arm and a dislocated shoulder...Done to her by her boyfriend.

A policeman comes in and questions her to why she has come to the hospital. Where is her boyfriend?

"He had a business trip." She answers the questions cooly.

"Mam, has there been domestic abuse in your home?" The policeman looks into the woman's troubled brown eyes. One which is black. Her hair is a mess, standing up in all directions.

I want to smooth it down for her, and stand beside her for emotional support. But I don't know her.

So I close the curtain to give her privacy..A small act of kindness. She gives me a look of gratitude.. I smile at her softly.

"Officer there has been no violence committed in my home. I fell down. I fall down all the time." As she says this her voice cracks.

In my heart I know she is lying. I've been abused. I've had my shoulder dislocated. Lied, like her, to protect the guilty.

"Mam, we have had reports that there has indeed been violence in your home before. That your boyfriend has beat you up before." The officer says this in a very determined tone.

"Rubbish!" She quips back at him.

"OK Mam, if this is how you want to play this I will not push you. But I want you to think about something. You aren't getting any younger. Next time he could kill you." He sighs defeatedly. Having gone through these kind of situations on a daily basis, I am sure.

He walks past me with tears in his eyes. And I know he is a good man. Probably had a mother who was abused, because of how strongly he reacted. I am guessing this. But I am a good judge of emotion.

Mrs. X begins to cry.

I walk around the curtain. Because curtains are not walls. And I hug her, and she hugs me back with her good arm

The one, not broken, by her boyfriend.

Rue @2010

Monday, July 26, 2010

I have come to the realization, that there are many people who care that work at the hospital.

And then, there are exceptional people, like the man who delivers meals. He is amazing. He really is. He asks me everyday how I am, how is my daughter. Brings me free meals.

There was no way he could have known I came to the hospital with $2.50 in my pocket. No way. It is God, looking out for me like He does in so many ways.

Many of the nurses are fantastic..Some are not. But there has been more care shown then I thought would be shown.

There have been things that have driven me crazy. Careless things, that have pushed Sis's tests days ahead. Meaning more days off work.

That could have been prevented with some thought.

Things that bother me are: How much blood they take everyday. They take between 2 & 3 vials per day. I think to myself, "Is it possible for them to drain a human being dry from their blood taking?"

Hospital vampires...

Surely a smaller amount of blood could be used. This is 2010 for God's sake. We have more technology than we have ever possessed in all of history. Yes?

They should have started Sis on a liquid diet yesterday morning, along with laxatives, and the stuff that tastes like grainy limes. That clears you out completely.

They are doing an upper GI and lower GI.

But instead of doing the liquid diet yesterday and all the other things they should have done. They only start her on the grainy lime stuff at 5:00 pm. I say to the doctor, " Shouldn't she have been on a clear liquid diet all day before you started this stuff?"

He is moon eyed over the nurse, and the nurse has hot pants for him. I want to ask them to please get a room and get someone in here who is responsible.

I am weary..

Weary of ignorance, nonchalance, uncaring attitude that some seem to possess here.

I have been patient. No more. Patience is gone.

So when the doctor comes out of his vegetation state he says, "Actually, yes, she should have been put on a liquid diet yesterday. I'm not sure why she wasn't."

So the tests get pushed ahead until tomorrow.

Another delay. That could have been prevented if they had not been careless. I want to cry.

For some people, this would be no big deal. But I am among the working poor. Living paycheck to paycheck. Like most people across the nation.

Where 1 or 2 weeks of work missed can have a devastating effect. Where is my family in all of this? Why can't they help? They have major problems of their own.

It's me and Sis. That's it.

Her boyfriend has been sick all week or he would have been here.

When I call in to work a few days ago, they tell me to bring a written letter from the hospital.

My heart sinks thinking of things I can't help but think about. The Power Bill, Water Bill, Car Payment, Insurance...Etc.

What little money I had left is gone. Gone to repairs, Mom, Children.

So I sit here all day and pray for answers. Pray for direction. Pray I don't lose my mind. Pray to be taken care of..And for God to take care of me. Pray that God shows the doctors how to treat Sis. How to help her. Pray He heals her.

At this point all I have is Faith. I hold onto it and believe for the best. What else can I do? Give up?

For some reason, no matter what happens, my nature just won't let me. Give up that is. I've came close. Very close. But today I won't.

Rue @2010

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Sleeping Chair..

This is my sleeping chair..I am lucky to be able to stretch out..


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

" When jellyfish float on the water, they look like pools of iridescent colors. Purples and blues mixed with pinks and greens. They are so beautiful, it is almost like a dream. But they are also very dangerous. Their sting can kill you." Momma told me this as I sat cross legged on the floor listening to her stories with rapt attention.

It was a good day. And when Momma was good, she was golden. She was like your favorite ice cream on a 100 degree day, or a shooting star so brilliant it steals your breath away.

These days made up for all the terrible days. They really did. On good days I felt so loved by her I wanted to burst into a million pieces of confetti and fly away.

She continued, " I knew a sea captain, he gave me this box." She pulled the box from her third drawer in her walnut dresser. It was black onyx with a silver mermaid on the front of it. The mermaid was sitting sideways on a rock that was jutting out of the ocean, looking over her shoulder. Her eyes said, " I am beautiful, love me."

I ran my finger softly down the mermaids smooth silver back..Momma gently brushed my hand away and opened the box.

She brought out a jar of sea glass that she had picked up off the beach when she had lived in Florida, near the sea captain.
The glass was worn down by the sand and waves, into smooth opaque pieces of beauty.

She then brought out a pair of delicately made porcelain hearts on fragile gold wires.

"These were a present from a boy who loved me." She said softly.

"Why didn't you marry him Momma?" I asked quietly, sensing her heartbreak. She had a very sad far away look in her eyes.

"Sometimes love isn't enough Rue. It was for me, but not for him. That is why Momma is always sad. A piece of me is gone that I can't seem to replace."

I jumped up and she hugged me to her. Our tears mingled.

I felt her heart so strongly...I still do.

Rue @2010

Saturday, July 17, 2010

She has a gun, and it is loaded. It's in an old wooden box on the top shelf of her closet.. Blue curtains with pale pink roses enclose the gun like an unholy shrine.

She told me 4 months ago she wanted to kill herself. It's been awhile since I heard her say that.

A memory stirs me.....We are looking for her she has been gone for 3 days. We have called the police and reported her as missing. My brother, who was 14 at the time goes to her closet to look at her clothes. To feel her presence.

He screams. We all run to her room. Mom is in a coma on the closet floor. An overdose. She's not dead. She makes it. She recovers.

We, on the other hand, are tortured by the constant threat of death that looms over us, daily.

There were times when she had drank so much she quit breathing.

I took CPR and First Aid in 6th grade so I could revive her if she died while drunk or overdosed again.

I CALL 911 one day, I can't revive her. They come and take her to the hospital. We stay with the neighbors. My older brother and sisters long gone from the picture.

The next day as she drinks her coffee, she looks at me over her cup and says, "Why didn't you just let me die?"

My heart is torn in two at that moment. I cry silent tears. Trying not to make a sound. Just silent.

"I guess I love you too much Mom." And I walk out the door and stay at a friend's house that night.

Mom was not a bad woman. She was a sad woman. A very depressed woman. An alcoholic.

In life, people get broken for many reasons. No love, a cheating partner, a life of poverty and struggle, that never seems to end. The list goes on and on.

There were many good things about Mom. We never went hungry. She made us go to church, even though she didn't. She would get up hungover and get us ready. I hated her at the time for making me go. But now, I truly appreciate that she did that.

She told me, tears in her turquoise eyes, " You will learn a better way than what I am teaching you." But we learn by example.
And that is the truth. But the lessons I learned from going to church have helped me in my life.

I am not a religious person. I am a believer in God. I am largely flawed. But I believe. And I am trying harder than I ever have in my life to turn things around.

I am learning to be alone. To be independent. To take responsibility for my actions. I am trying to learn not to let despair take me over. We can't blame our parents for everything that is wrong in our life. At some point we must be responsible. We must see the damaging effects that was placed upon our young lives. And see what it has done to us. But be determined to change what we hate in ourselves. Strive not to be like what we hated in them.

I have spent so much of my life being afraid. I don't want to be afraid anymore. There were terrors I suffered that made me afraid. At points in my life I felt i was in a living hell. And I am sure there are many of you who have went through similar things. I know that.

Our lives are intricately woven together. Woven by threads of sorrow, threads of happiness, of all the things that make us human beings. Making us aware that we are not mere animals. But that we are thinking creatures, capable of great change..

I found this quote today..And I believe it with my whole heart. "Dreams have as much influence as actions."- Stephanie Mallarme, French Essayists and poet

We do not choose who we come from, or where we come from. But we must always be aware that those things do not define us. We define us. "We define us." They play a large part on how we turn out. But we are not our circumstance.

I have power to be who I have always known I should be, and so do you.

Rue @2010

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Rue's Shoes...

This is a photo of my favorite shoes and my favorite pants...These shoes have been my favorite kind to wear since I was a kid.


Sunday, July 11, 2010

My Heart is Full of Music..

I was packing my bag today getting clothes ready to go back to the hospital, when I reached up to grab a shirt out of the closet.

My i-pod fell out of my hand and down my shirt, and landed in my bra..Right in the center of my heart..

It looked so cool when I looked down I snapped a photo of it..

Doesn't it look awesome? The colors of the shirt and the light from the i-pod illuminating through it?

Rue @2010

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

( these are 2 photos that show the Winter Wheat before being cut..And then after...Both beautiful to me)

Cross Cut Winter wheat

Shorn torn, golden burr against the blue robin egg sky

Green rivers of grass surpass the weeds to court the fields

Rue @ 2010

Sunday, July 4, 2010



Mystifies me
Terrifies me
Magnifies me

Is woven inside my core
like silver threads on black blankets

Rue @2010

Saturday, July 3, 2010

(self- portrait) done 3 days ago


Don't toss words around like trash on dirty beaches

They are like Broken bottles cutting tender toes

Blood Flow

rUE @10

Friday, July 2, 2010



from my hand



Intricate- The guts of an old fashioned clock.The face, the hands, the breath, the life- Chime =time.

Enmeshed- lip to lip
tongue wrapped around tongue- against the wall- Your hands pin mine like a crucifix ....of love

Tortured- 1/2 of a heart ...alone, blue, ethereal, frail

a mist

driving silently like a specter- clenched knuckles against the steering wheel


Pink fringed with cream skin
Open- touch- taste- smell- feel
silver stars in my head.

Rue @10

(i took this photo yesterday...i was in the shower at the park)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Queen Anne's Lace...

The ditches are loaded with Queen Annie's Lace right now..It is her season.

She makes love to the weeds next to her whipping them into submission. They stand in awe of her delicate beauty.

Rue @10

i took this photo today..i love it

I smile Sometimes...