To The Father I Never Had.....

He sat with his back against the warm Summer wall

I knelt beside him and stared at him

I was a child

His hair was long and black with silver threaded through it

He looked over at me, "What are you staring at?" His tone was irritated but calm

"At you...I think you are beautiful.." I said in a whisper

He leaned his head back against the wall..And laughed..

I could see the silver in his teeth

He looked at me then, with eyes like warm chocolate, and smiled

"What is beautiful about me?" He asked amused

"Well, the wrinkles where your tears have have made paths down your cheeks.."

And the wrinkles that surround your lips and eyes where you have laughed

And the weathered look of your hands..It means you have worked hard in your life..And you know struggle..And what it means to be a man

He looked at me like a wounded animal..Sorrow and gentleness replacing his mirth

He said, "Child where did you come from? And How did you get to be so wise?"

I said, "You taught me the ways in which the heart flows..And to look beyond the physical life..To peer into the soul of all around me and see their worth."

He smiled at me again, gently and pulled me into his arms...

"I love you little one...You are bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. And I will protect your tender heart from the hardness of this life."

But if I can't, let the wind, and the trees and the sky and the stars and the spirits that are good surround you in all unity and preserve the heart that loves so much, yours

Rue Zimmerman December 7, @2010

I had a dream last night....A nightmare really. I was in a house, not mine. It was surrounded with clutter. Much worse than mine could ever be. I felt like I was drowning.

I thought of you at that moment....And I wanted to talk to you immediately when I woke up....


But I could not, for you have eradicated me, annihilated me...Made me vanish from your life..Burnt my memory. Whispered my name to the wind to carry a message to me...It said, "I love you, I love you, I love you....But it hurts too much to hold on.."

I received the message in a dream.

I opened my eyes, when I awoke, I stared into your eyes looming above me...And I wanted to die at that moment..Sorrow hit me in waves,.

I tell myself I am over you. Tell my friends I am over you. I tell my heart to stop loving you.


Rue @ 2010

My Plan is This


1. Find work

2. Find a way to keep my power on

3. Find a way to get food

4. Find a way to keep the rest of my utilities on

5 Work on getting all my writing together

6. Get the grant I need to self- publish

7. To be independent

8. Go back to church, I need it

9. Try as hard as I can to be a better person

Basic plan


Rue @2010

As long as we are alive we have hope.

It is dire today

Things That Make Me Happy in My State of Poverty

My pimp hat makes me happy

The Chronicles of Rue

I went to the food bank yesterday. I was humbled. The only thing they were giving away was bread. I felt grateful for that. The area in which I live is poverty stricken. We are only second to the Appalachians in Tennessee.


Up until May of this year I was doing ok. I still had a bit of money left in the bank. But after my daughter's illness and her medicine. And other personal things. My money was gone, but I still had my job. Now it has been 3 weeks since I have worked.


I have the power on until the end of the month, and the phones. It is a possibility that I may be writing these posts from the library, it has free WiFi.

I am not asking for money. I am writing this because I know there are millions out there who are suffering just like I am.


I am trying to figure it out. I am trying to find a way to get another job. I look every single day.


But this is what I have found out about having no job or money.


That every single meal is a religious experience...


That I will not eat so I can save food for my daughter. And I feel good about it. Sacrifice is good when you do it for another.

I started hanging clothes out on the line months ago to save on our power bill. And I like doing it. I enjoy the way they smell. I like walking places instead of always using the car. The car which I may lose if the payments aren't made.


I will be searching for ways to help all of you out there as well as me. I am determined to do it.

Till next time. Rue

If you read my words love, know, in your heart, that they were not meant to kill you

They were meant to wound you, so you can heal

You told me once that you wanted to be a better man

To touch the Hand of God

And, love, no one can cut you.....but me, to the depth that you need

You told me things about myself that cut me wide open

Things I needed to hear, that no one else ever dared to say

I saw myself, for once, for who I really was, through your eyes

The bad, beautiful, ugly, broken, tragic, tender, loving, messy, insecure girl who needed a Father Figure/Lover


A girl who cried in your arms, because it was the first time I was ever shown true tenderness

In that moment, I would have died for you. I was your moth, and you love, were the heat


I felt the universe course through my heart, right then, and you were the best thing in it


You made me a room of my own....A room where I could be free for a little while...

No one ever did that....for me


You let me tell you secrets I had never told

You hurt me

You healed me

You gave me the courage to be a woman, not just a child


But she is still there...the child


Love, take my words and let them comfort you in you hour of need


For I bear you no malice...

I only bear an unquenchable love for you....


And love does no harm



Rue @ 2010

Father of mine, wait, shouldn't I just call you Dad?

I did not want to be your son

I was supposed to be your daughter

But, really, I was the bastard child of a nameless man....Which you never let me forget Dad

I did not want to hunt

When you made me shoot that gun


When you made me shoot a rabbit or a deer, my soul was never the same

I did not want to see their innards, which held their secret blood


White washed bones and sawed off knees, is how I stood before you that day. My pale hands covered in blood, my shirt splattered with it


You made me aware that it is a man's world Dad, and that it always would be


Then I learned the art of being numb

When I came home from school one day and you, smiling, butchered my rabbit as I stood in the street


You had waited so I could see


Her screams sonded like that of a thousand babies in my ears

I fell to my knees with my head to the ground, looking sideways, I could see her blood flow down the grass like a small river


And I cried that I could not protect her from the madman you were



I learned, Dad, not to be like you


Rue @ 2010

I want to lay in a field shorn of all its burdens


In my old, pale blue jeans, with my torn black shirt

I want to lay with my arms stretched to the earth

As I lay on the dust of all dead men

My darkened eyes taking in the greatness of a vast, immense sky


A sky that has seen every thing that all dead men have done

Loved, fought, killed, raped, cared, ached

My hands look like mock wings stretched out before it, with my wrists bent and my palms kiss the sky



Rue @2010

{ a photo i took in an old cemetery 40 miles away}


He fulfills his needs at the expense of me

Trying to train his tired, old body. Lying to his mind that everything is alright

He feeds his next fascination, feeds his ego. His body on the ground

He can't see that the reason he abandons everyone, is because he was abandoned. And, he never understood why. Pushes down that memory, saying, he does not know why, he is, like he is....He cries

So he does it over and over again. Abandoning lovers, abandoning friends.

He wants them to pay for his own abandonment. Wants them to feel the pain he felt as a child


They are all passing phases in a long line of chains...Linked by: lust, love, greed, fame, the need for things, traveling, self- loathing. He turns

He recreates the drama that shaped his life. Forever holding the final blow that forces those who love him to implode. To self- destruct, ..Because they cannot understand, love given, then withdrawn.

He smiles, his eyes warm, crinkly

Another victim, another sin

When will it end?

Rue @2010

Let's make it through the horrors of this day love, before we start thinking of tomorrow's pain

And for this moment let's pretend that death does not exist, that age does not destroy

If they turn out our lights and gas, let's eat dinner by candlelight

The hard times won't last....

But if they do, let me know the comfort of you

Through soft Summer rains and Winter suns

When I am cold...Warm me in the fortress of your arms

When sorrow takes hold of you I will kiss away your pain. I will envelope you in my arms, my legs, my mouth and tongue

My breasts will be beacons of light to to the darkness of your night

I will console you, with my touch, my heart, my love

Rue @ 2010

"It is choice not chance that determines our destiny."

Alicia Keys Feat. Drake - UnThinkable (I'm Ready) [Remix]

(i need you to rescue me from my destiny)





I been alone in my mind most my life-

Searching for someone to love me for me- flaws, fractures, cracked jaw

Maybe it isn't meant for me

I was loved twice- maybe that is all i get

I stand alone in an empty room- And I see the colors with tear filled eyes

Trying so hard to make my life better, working, slaving with a broken body & a broken heart

Get up every morning working with a body full of pain

I hold the tears back as much as I can- The medicine only helps so much

Look in the mirror at the grey on my temples i cover with dye

Look at the lines under my eyes- You have aged me baby- Took away what I needed most

I can't blame you, I'm complicated, broke & all I could give you was love

Love that sears your heart & soul

I go on....One foot in front of the other

And men....They try to get to me where I work-

Try to grab a piece of me- I can't let them in- Can't let them stay the night in a bed I shared with you-


Rue@ 2010

The Family Man - La La La Means I Love You

i want to be loved like this.....xoxo Rue

E.M. Forrester sat inside a room filled with dread, filled with doom

His heart ached to be whole again. He wanted to be what he considered "normal"

He stared out his window at the children while they played

He felt the barriers that come with age

His thoughts ran to the time when he was young- When the taste of life was new upon his tongue

Remembered snowy days, and Autumn sun

Thoughts of his true love seared his mind..Her breasts against his chest in Winter. He thought of the way he use to trace his thumbs down the frame of her cheek bones

Holding his breath at her beauty

Wanting so much for that moment to be freeze framed for all time- For the world to stop turning- So caught up was he in her love

But time only stands still in our feeble minds- And the moment vanished like a specter in a shady field of grey

And E.M. Forrester was alone again in a room full of books and dust and memories.

By Rue @2010

I'm stuck inside a line. Caught behind a rhyme. Trying to dig my way out without committing crimes.

It's hard when you work 24/7 with so little pay.

You got mouths to feed bills to pay.

Shoes to buy to cover bare feet. Car payments to make.

Love becomes 2nd place, a hope, a dream that you think could take place. You want it so bad, but working becomes 1st place.

So you block out the hurt, block out the pain. Despair seems to be second nature.

Gotta be strong. Gotta survive-

Your kids are watching

The whole world is looking, it seems.

To see if you crumble, if you fall under the pressure.

They are hoping, you break free from the past, that hangs on your neck like dirty rags.

I will. I will break free and make myself a name.

Rue @2010

My Two Favorite necklaces...

August Rush....

Words of wisdom: If someone is running towards you really fast and they look happy...Run..They usually have something you don't want.

Rue @2010


tonight's photo.....August Sunset...taken on a country road

Clouds...

Lay with me on the ground and let's watch the clouds together, please? And Let's pretend we are little kids again...I will hold your hand and my heart will beat so fast...Just because my hand is in yours.



(These clouds captivated me today...that is one thing we have here...Beautiful skies & clouds)

Rue @2010

radiate...

The first step in having a new life, is believing you can have one.

I believe....

The room mate next to Sis is a retired doctor. She has a broken arm and a dislocated shoulder...Done to her by her boyfriend.

A policeman comes in and questions her to why she has come to the hospital. Where is her boyfriend?

"He had a business trip." She answers the questions cooly.

"Mam, has there been domestic abuse in your home?" The policeman looks into the woman's troubled brown eyes. One which is black. Her hair is a mess, standing up in all directions.

I want to smooth it down for her, and stand beside her for emotional support. But I don't know her.

So I close the curtain to give her privacy..A small act of kindness. She gives me a look of gratitude.. I smile at her softly.

"Officer there has been no violence committed in my home. I fell down. I fall down all the time." As she says this her voice cracks.

In my heart I know she is lying. I've been abused. I've had my shoulder dislocated. Lied, like her, to protect the guilty.

"Mam, we have had reports that there has indeed been violence in your home before. That your boyfriend has beat you up before." The officer says this in a very determined tone.

"Rubbish!" She quips back at him.

"OK Mam, if this is how you want to play this I will not push you. But I want you to think about something. You aren't getting any younger. Next time he could kill you." He sighs defeatedly. Having gone through these kind of situations on a daily basis, I am sure.

He walks past me with tears in his eyes. And I know he is a good man. Probably had a mother who was abused, because of how strongly he reacted. I am guessing this. But I am a good judge of emotion.

Mrs. X begins to cry.

I walk around the curtain. Because curtains are not walls. And I hug her, and she hugs me back with her good arm

The one, not broken, by her boyfriend.

Rue @2010

I have come to the realization, that there are many people who care that work at the hospital.

And then, there are exceptional people, like the man who delivers meals. He is amazing. He really is. He asks me everyday how I am, how is my daughter. Brings me free meals.

There was no way he could have known I came to the hospital with $2.50 in my pocket. No way. It is God, looking out for me like He does in so many ways.

Many of the nurses are fantastic..Some are not. But there has been more care shown then I thought would be shown.

There have been things that have driven me crazy. Careless things, that have pushed Sis's tests days ahead. Meaning more days off work.

That could have been prevented with some thought.

Things that bother me are: How much blood they take everyday. They take between 2 & 3 vials per day. I think to myself, "Is it possible for them to drain a human being dry from their blood taking?"

Hospital vampires...

Surely a smaller amount of blood could be used. This is 2010 for God's sake. We have more technology than we have ever possessed in all of history. Yes?

They should have started Sis on a liquid diet yesterday morning, along with laxatives, and the stuff that tastes like grainy limes. That clears you out completely.

They are doing an upper GI and lower GI.

But instead of doing the liquid diet yesterday and all the other things they should have done. They only start her on the grainy lime stuff at 5:00 pm. I say to the doctor, " Shouldn't she have been on a clear liquid diet all day before you started this stuff?"

He is moon eyed over the nurse, and the nurse has hot pants for him. I want to ask them to please get a room and get someone in here who is responsible.

I am weary..

Weary of ignorance, nonchalance, uncaring attitude that some seem to possess here.

I have been patient. No more. Patience is gone.

So when the doctor comes out of his vegetation state he says, "Actually, yes, she should have been put on a liquid diet yesterday. I'm not sure why she wasn't."

So the tests get pushed ahead until tomorrow.

Another delay. That could have been prevented if they had not been careless. I want to cry.

For some people, this would be no big deal. But I am among the working poor. Living paycheck to paycheck. Like most people across the nation.

Where 1 or 2 weeks of work missed can have a devastating effect. Where is my family in all of this? Why can't they help? They have major problems of their own.

It's me and Sis. That's it.

Her boyfriend has been sick all week or he would have been here.

When I call in to work a few days ago, they tell me to bring a written letter from the hospital.

My heart sinks thinking of things I can't help but think about. The Power Bill, Water Bill, Car Payment, Insurance...Etc.

What little money I had left is gone. Gone to repairs, Mom, Children.

So I sit here all day and pray for answers. Pray for direction. Pray I don't lose my mind. Pray to be taken care of..And for God to take care of me. Pray that God shows the doctors how to treat Sis. How to help her. Pray He heals her.

At this point all I have is Faith. I hold onto it and believe for the best. What else can I do? Give up?

For some reason, no matter what happens, my nature just won't let me. Give up that is. I've came close. Very close. But today I won't.

Rue @2010

Sleeping Chair..

This is my sleeping chair..I am lucky to be able to stretch out..

Rue

" When jellyfish float on the water, they look like pools of iridescent colors. Purples and blues mixed with pinks and greens. They are so beautiful, it is almost like a dream. But they are also very dangerous. Their sting can kill you." Momma told me this as I sat cross legged on the floor listening to her stories with rapt attention.

It was a good day. And when Momma was good, she was golden. She was like your favorite ice cream on a 100 degree day, or a shooting star so brilliant it steals your breath away.



These days made up for all the terrible days. They really did. On good days I felt so loved by her I wanted to burst into a million pieces of confetti and fly away.

She continued, " I knew a sea captain, he gave me this box." She pulled the box from her third drawer in her walnut dresser. It was black onyx with a silver mermaid on the front of it. The mermaid was sitting sideways on a rock that was jutting out of the ocean, looking over her shoulder. Her eyes said, " I am beautiful, love me."

I ran my finger softly down the mermaids smooth silver back..Momma gently brushed my hand away and opened the box.

She brought out a jar of sea glass that she had picked up off the beach when she had lived in Florida, near the sea captain.
The glass was worn down by the sand and waves, into smooth opaque pieces of beauty.

She then brought out a pair of delicately made porcelain hearts on fragile gold wires.

"These were a present from a boy who loved me." She said softly.

"Why didn't you marry him Momma?" I asked quietly, sensing her heartbreak. She had a very sad far away look in her eyes.

"Sometimes love isn't enough Rue. It was for me, but not for him. That is why Momma is always sad. A piece of me is gone that I can't seem to replace."

I jumped up and she hugged me to her. Our tears mingled.

I felt her heart so strongly...I still do.


Rue @2010

She has a gun, and it is loaded. It's in an old wooden box on the top shelf of her closet.. Blue curtains with pale pink roses enclose the gun like an unholy shrine.

She told me 4 months ago she wanted to kill herself. It's been awhile since I heard her say that.

A memory stirs me.....We are looking for her she has been gone for 3 days. We have called the police and reported her as missing. My brother, who was 14 at the time goes to her closet to look at her clothes. To feel her presence.

He screams. We all run to her room. Mom is in a coma on the closet floor. An overdose. She's not dead. She makes it. She recovers.

We, on the other hand, are tortured by the constant threat of death that looms over us, daily.

There were times when she had drank so much she quit breathing.

I took CPR and First Aid in 6th grade so I could revive her if she died while drunk or overdosed again.

I CALL 911 one day, I can't revive her. They come and take her to the hospital. We stay with the neighbors. My older brother and sisters long gone from the picture.

The next day as she drinks her coffee, she looks at me over her cup and says, "Why didn't you just let me die?"

My heart is torn in two at that moment. I cry silent tears. Trying not to make a sound. Just silent.

"I guess I love you too much Mom." And I walk out the door and stay at a friend's house that night.

Mom was not a bad woman. She was a sad woman. A very depressed woman. An alcoholic.

In life, people get broken for many reasons. No love, a cheating partner, a life of poverty and struggle, that never seems to end. The list goes on and on.

There were many good things about Mom. We never went hungry. She made us go to church, even though she didn't. She would get up hungover and get us ready. I hated her at the time for making me go. But now, I truly appreciate that she did that.

She told me, tears in her turquoise eyes, " You will learn a better way than what I am teaching you." But we learn by example.
And that is the truth. But the lessons I learned from going to church have helped me in my life.

I am not a religious person. I am a believer in God. I am largely flawed. But I believe. And I am trying harder than I ever have in my life to turn things around.

I am learning to be alone. To be independent. To take responsibility for my actions. I am trying to learn not to let despair take me over. We can't blame our parents for everything that is wrong in our life. At some point we must be responsible. We must see the damaging effects that was placed upon our young lives. And see what it has done to us. But be determined to change what we hate in ourselves. Strive not to be like what we hated in them.

I have spent so much of my life being afraid. I don't want to be afraid anymore. There were terrors I suffered that made me afraid. At points in my life I felt i was in a living hell. And I am sure there are many of you who have went through similar things. I know that.

Our lives are intricately woven together. Woven by threads of sorrow, threads of happiness, of all the things that make us human beings. Making us aware that we are not mere animals. But that we are thinking creatures, capable of great change..

I found this quote today..And I believe it with my whole heart. "Dreams have as much influence as actions."- Stephanie Mallarme, French Essayists and poet

We do not choose who we come from, or where we come from. But we must always be aware that those things do not define us. We define us. "We define us." They play a large part on how we turn out. But we are not our circumstance.

I have power to be who I have always known I should be, and so do you.

Rue @2010
.

Rue's Shoes...

This is a photo of my favorite shoes and my favorite pants...These shoes have been my favorite kind to wear since I was a kid.

Rue

My Heart is Full of Music..

I was packing my bag today getting clothes ready to go back to the hospital, when I reached up to grab a shirt out of the closet.

My i-pod fell out of my hand and down my shirt, and landed in my bra..Right in the center of my heart..

It looked so cool when I looked down I snapped a photo of it..

Doesn't it look awesome? The colors of the shirt and the light from the i-pod illuminating through it?

Rue @2010

( these are 2 photos that show the Winter Wheat before being cut..And then after...Both beautiful to me)


Cross Cut Winter wheat

Shorn torn, golden burr against the blue robin egg sky

Green rivers of grass surpass the weeds to court the fields

Rue @ 2010

Blue

Sadness

Mystifies me
Terrifies me
Magnifies me

Is woven inside my core
like silver threads on black blankets

Rue @2010

(self- portrait) done 3 days ago

poem=

Don't toss words around like trash on dirty beaches

They are like Broken bottles cutting tender toes

Blood Flow

rUE @10

Drink....

-Drink-

from my hand

Words-

thoughts-

Ideas-

>Like<

Intricate- The guts of an old fashioned clock.The face, the hands, the breath, the life- Chime =time.

Enmeshed- lip to lip

tongue wrapped around tongue- against the wall- Your hands pin mine like a crucifix ....of love

Tortured- 1/2 of a heart ...alone, blue, ethereal, frail

a mist

driving silently like a specter- clenched knuckles against the steering wheel

Color-

Pink fringed with cream skin

Open- touch- taste- smell- feel

silver stars in my head.

Rue @10

(i took this photo yesterday...i was in the shower at the park)

Queen Anne's Lace...

The ditches are loaded with Queen Annie's Lace right now..It is her season.

She makes love to the weeds next to her whipping them into submission. They stand in awe of her delicate beauty.

Rue @10

i took this photo today..i love it

I smile Sometimes...

I Will Travel to Many Places

The baby Cardinals lay on the ground...They had fallen from their nest. I saw the mother and father making distress calls on the sidewalk and I walked over to find out what was wrong and found them like this. One had died already and the other was still alive.

My daughter and I got a paper towel and put the other one back in his nest..The nest was in the red bush above the gate..

Silent tears streamed down my face..I could not quit crying for awhile.

The mother and father bird flitted about scared and nervously..

And I thought they "feel" just like we do, they just can't talk. They have fears just like us. And sorrow like we do.

So I said a prayer that their other baby would live...

Rue

I imagine me coming to your door..You are waiting for me there..Your strong tan hand on the wooden frame

I knock, hesitantly...And you immediately answer

No words are are spoken between us

You take me in your arms and kiss me to the bed..Not stopping

Your tongue implores mine to never leave

We stumble over shoes and books you have so carelessly left laying around

We make it to the bed and you slowly undress me..Gently..Kindly..Lovingly, like you would a child

I turn my face away because you know I am held together by tape and glue

Slow tears pour from the corners of my eyes

You take your hands and lift my face to yours...You speak

"Your body is just a small extension of who you really are- I want to make love to you because I have connected to you in a place where no words exist. You are in my spirit-And I am in yours"

Then you slowly make love to me, and I to you

Then we lay beside each other face to face, and you say

"My heart is yours"

Rue @2010

"

Self portrait & Poem

The world is like a snow globe that God has put in place...He lights the the evening sky with Silver stars and the Moon's yellow face.

Rue @2010

My Prairie home...

The sky here looks like an ocean upside down..And the clouds ..Just look at them

Rue

Country Road..

This is a road I go to all the time. I go there to think...It is closed now. But I park there and go over the gate and walk down it anyhow.

Rue-

Winter Sky...

I edited this photo and enhanced it...I love the way it turned out. The colors of the sky the night I took it was marvelous. Ribbons of blue and a huge yellow ribbon in the middle.

Rue-